


Show me your equations...

by islasands



Series: Lambski [23]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M, Possession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:08:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islasands/pseuds/islasands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a wild night out Adam returns to their hotel. He is less preoccupied with the night's somewhat newsworthy events as he is with the days that lie ahead. He is calculating his position and preparing to stake his claim...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Show me your equations...

PART 2

He was free to go.

As the car drove through the city streets he frowned at the view they presented. Where he had expected night, there was daylight, where he had hoped for the vague looming of the indistinguishable, there was a lurching into space of materiality. Man’s built environment had never seemed so ugly and uninviting. All that concrete, steel and glass. And beneath it, beneath the buildings and roads and footpaths, a giant cellar of dead black earth. He wondered if anything lived in that kind of dirt or if had it been sterilized by light deprivation.

He wished he wasn’t going back to the hotel. He’d rather be an eel, half-asleep, half-awake, beneath the dark overhang of a riverbank, or be curled up on the floor of a dome made of giant leaves, listening to the clattering sound of extra large raindrops, or just to be walking in deep forest, bathed in the diffuse, tent-like light that occurs when trees have closed the ranks of their canopy… Anything but this; a hotel, Sauli, and his mind made up; there would be no apologies, no explanations. Not now or later. No excuses. No recriminations.

And it _was_ made up. He knew it the moment the door opened and Sauli fell upon him. He held him for a moment and then gently pushed him away.

“No,” he said. “I need to shower.”

He showered. He changed into clean clothing. He walked back out into the hotel room. Sauli was sitting on the end of the bed.

“Where are you going?’ he asked.

With an offhand gesture Adam indicated an armchair. He sat down, leaned back, and stretched his legs out in front of him. He closed his eyes, relishing, for a moment, the coolness of his wet hair, the tidy cleanliness of his feet and hands, the warmth of his chest beneath a clean shirt.

“Well?” Sauli said.

Adam opened his eyes. He put his head on its side and gazed at Sauli thoughtfully, as though he was weighing something up. He sighed. “Take off your clothes,” he said. Sauli stared at Adam, blinking hard at the dubiety of his position; the weary, apathetic tone of Adam’s command made him fearful that all he wanted was a goodbye fuck. But maybe not. Maybe he wanted to make a point. God knows what point, but it would be like him to want to make one, especially after a night like this. He took a deep breath and stood up. He crossed over his arms and slowly raised the hem of his tee shirt, drawing it up until it covered his face.

“Hold it there,” Adam said. “Don’t move.”

 _Look at that, he thought. The boy is still in him. Such a simple, easy task now, yet at one time his mother would have helped him, saying “hands up”before quickly pulling the garment over his head, pulling it down firmly, steadying him when he teetered slightly, blinking at the surprise of losing his visual bearings._

 _Not any more.. Now his arms, one dark, one light, are strong and capable of performing his will, of putting his hands to a plough, or to the wheel of a helm, or to the handle of a door that could let him out to his freedom. But not that last one. Not if I can help it._

 _Look at his caved in stomach. He’s not trembling yet. I wonder how long it would take to get him into that state? To wear out the pride of his biceps? He has plenty of that kind of spontaneous pride. He’s full of it. What is the phrase? – animal spirits. He calculates situations on the fly and almost simultaneously makes his moves. In his mind dark and light live together, more or less harmoniously. Not like me._

 _But compared to the headwaters of a river, say,  
_ _Compared to the constantly renewing rivulets of a mountain peak’s thoughts,  
_ _Now hard, now soft, in the eons of climatic changes…_

 _Look at his waist. Look at the way his trunk disappears in his jeans, barely held up by the belt. And down there, between his legs, bunched up in his underpants, his only unruly energy, more in my control than his…_

 _Filtered by skies, oceans, lands,  
_ _And by chance rains falling upon all things living  
_ _And all things not; compared to them how small and puny and predictable  
_ _His thoughts are, and how alone he is in the vehicle of his flesh._

 ___The flesh I love to love.  
_ _His beautiful, loveable, eminently killable flesh.  
_ _The crease of his abdomen when he bends, the hollows of his hips,  
_ _The lock and key of his sternum, the soft beads of his nipples.  
_ _The look in his eyes when he knows I am looking him over…_

“Carry on.”

Sauli unbuckled his belt. He unzipped the fly of his pants and pushed them down and stepped out of them, scooting them aside with his foot. He suddenly, unaccountably, felt shy. He took hold of the waistband of his underpants. He glanced at Adam. Adam nodded.

“Take them off. Then lie over the bed. Face down. Feet on the floor.”

Sauli looked at the bed.

“Face down,” Adam repeated.

 _Weird that at a time like this, when all he wants is reassurance, all_ I _want is to keep him at a distance, a safe distance, while I think about other things, things that are much bigger than both of us._

“Spread yourself apart,” he said. Sauli slowly reached back his hands and took hold of his buttocks and pulled them apart to expose his anus.

 _A flower bud, for example, is so much bigger than us. Packed to overflowing with inevitability, it will unfold, open, exude fragrance if it has any, release pollen, wilt, wither, shrivel, die, - all without a care in the world. Such a vast smallness, and I know that’s an oxymoron, but it works. It works. It’s vast because its futility is as great as the countlessness of stars in space, or the amount of sand in a desert, or the volume of water in an ocean. And it’s small because it is so helplesslessly itself. Now, who was it who said, “God dwells, all of Him dwells, in the smallest flower and is not cramped.”?_

“Turn over,” he said.

Sauli turned over, immediately betraying an unwilling, faltering erection. He placed both arms over his face in a gesture so poignant in its childlike honesty of embarassment that Adam had to fight to stay put in his chair.

 _But I’m not done here, he thought. I’m not done even though he’s in tears. Even though his cock is making tears. I’ve made my mind up and I need to back it up with some big guns, with truths that are as severe and uncompromising in their positionality as I am in my love for that man, lying over there on our hotel bed, sniffing now and then, waiting for my next move, anxious to be in my arms, unable to control his desire..._

 _I need truths about things that are not man made and have the power to unmake man at the drop of a hat. Like the lethal mating dance of tectonic plates, the implacable consumerism of fire, the inconsolable orphanhood of the wind. “We’re_ this _and not_ that! _” and “There is no reason or explanation for us existing this way, not even if some animal whose head contains a pearl-sized drop of consciousness thinks one up.”_

“Sauli.”

“What?” (muffled voice)

“Come here.”

“I can’t.”

“Hurry up.”

Sauli sat up. Adam stood up and held out his arms. Sauli looked up at him. His eyes clouded over. He had never felt so weak, so lonesome, or so unsure of himself. He wished he hadn’t allowed himself to be humiliated this way.

As though reading his thoughts, Adam stepped forward, bent over the bed, and pulled him to his feet. He wrapped his arms round him tightly and lifted him off the floor. The weakness Sauli was feeling entered Adam’s body like a river in flood. “My love, my love,” he said. Strength flooded his limbs, his thoracic cavity, his groin. He could not hold Sauli tightly enough and the more tightly he held him the more Sauli collapsed.

“You told me to possess you” Adam said. He waited a moment, giving Sauli time to answer, but Sauli was finding it difficult to breathe. “I can’t breathe,” he said. “Let me breathe.”

Adam reluctantly loosened his grip. He noticed that Sauli’s cheeks were wet. He lifted him up, forcing Sauli to hook his legs around him, and carried him to the bed. They sat there, side by side.

“You’re stronger than me,” Adam said, looking at him side on. “No, you are. In lots of ways, you are. But you said “possess me then” and I can do _that_. I can do that on my ear.”

“I meant it,” Sauli said. He leant on Adam’s shoulder. They sat in silence. Adam looked at the nothing of space in front of him. His urge to protect this man, and yes, to possess him, to utterly and completely possess him, lit up his brain with the primitive, colonizing potentiality of fire. He would follow Sauli to the ends of the earth, untiring in his solicitude, careful for the paths he trod, careful for the bed he laid upon, careful to guard him from injury and from the spite of misfortune, enemies, fears. He would do his best.

“You won’t always like it,” Adam said. “I make my calculations in the dark, and then bring my equations, correct or not, into the light. Which is what happened. Tonight.”

“I wish,” Sauli said, sighing into the relief of feeling his greatest fear had been assuaged, “I wish you were inside me.”

Adam suddenly became aware of the unbearable pressure in his groin. It felt good and right. It felt splendid. He had successfully staked his claim and now he would go on to explore it. He put his arm around Sauli and together they rolled back onto the bed.

 _And somewhere in the world a mountain top was melting in a storm of sunlight, thereby replenishing a river, making boulders run, making a road to the sea, and all without the censure or commentary of man. Doing its best to exist. I will do the same, Adam thought, as he tenderly lifted Sauli’s legs and rested them on his shoulders. He looked down at his own erection, and then at Sauli’s, and then at Sauli’s exposed “flower”. Hah, he thought, exultant in his ability to save the day. Sauli smiled up at him. “Do your sums on me, my love,” he said. “Show me your equations.”_

 

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


End file.
